Skin Crawling

I am so grossed out and frustrated by the food in my body. I can feel it in my stomach. I can feel it making me fat. I am shaking. I want to purge so badly. B is home, so I cannot get away with it. So here I am… stuck with this stomach full of disgusting food.

Rationally, I know I ate a normal portion for a brunch. But I can feeeeeeel it, and it is driving me out of my mind. It is daytime. I cannot get away with the take a walk with a bag trick. I cannot sneak up to the kids’ place and use their bathroom. My son is home.

I hate myself. I hate my disgusting body. I want to scream and cry and throw things. All I can do is be super careful the rest of the day, and then then really restrict tomorrow. I will just focus on making a plan. I can recover from this mess. I just need to get back in control.





So. I believe it might be time to admit…I am in relapse. I might be happy. I might be sad. I am mostly relieved. It is like coming home. I feel safe again. I feel disgusted. I feel fear and adrenaline. Mostly I feel resolve at my return to control. Everything can be okay again. Oh ED how how I hate you and have missed you….

My Big Fat Cardiac Scare

heart-two Sometimes in this life, we are given the gift of a wake up call. Some are like a lightning bolt, and others are much gentler- more of a reminder. Mine was somewhere in the middle. The lightning bolt was the mental and emotional impact, but the gentleness came in the form of the physical symptoms.

Last week I was admitted to the hospital after an episode of chest pains. It was one of the scariest days of my life. Although the symptoms had stopped, I went through a litany of tests. In addition to the multiple EKG’s and blood work, I also was scanned for a clot in my lungs, a stress test (that I failed), and then a cardiac catherization. This is where they insert a scope through your artery to your heart and make sure everything is clear. I have since been in and out of the hospital twice with a blood clot in the artery in my arm from the procedure. It is extremely painful. I am still needing to stay quiet, and still on pain killers.

During this time I have become very honest with myself about a lot of things. I have really looked at my life. I have looked at my self sabotage. I have looked at the places I have been afraid to try. It was negative- that awful test. All of them. They do not know why the episode happened. I am frustrated as all hell. It changed everything. Yet, I am still weak and in pain. I have all of these great things I want to do- so much motivation… and I cannot do much about anything. I am stuck having to heal right now. It is hard to waste time, when I feel so much. I am motivated in a way I did not know before. So much suicidal ideation these last months, only to learn I want to live.

For now I will continue to work on school. I will continue to job hunt- even though I do not know what I can do right now. Even typing is slow and painful. I will continue to plan- everything I can do when I am healed. And I will be glad that I have been given this wake up call. Not everyone gets that chance. I will use it well.

Elli’s Path

hope Writing is something that I have always kept very private. I tend to get caught up in the process, and I often get stressed out in the effort to make it all perfect. I am very shy by nature. I have always feared putting my heart into my writing as I do, and having it ripped apart by allowing it to be seen. As a result, I have been trying to get this blog off the ground for quite some time. I have finally made the firm decision that I have a story to tell, and anyone who is not interested, or offended, or whatever… can just not read me.

Turning 40 has been one of the most devastating things for me in my life. I have found myself assessing where I am. and where I want to be. I have seen the distance between the two, and the chasm is vast. It is disheartening. The last few months have been full of a lot of tears and self pity. I know I have so much more inside of me than my present life is reflecting. It is time for me to move beyond the fear and the tears to recreate my life, and live in a way that is congruent with my heart and my values. This journey is what this blog will be about.

My path has been a montage of ideas evolving in my head these last months. I have solidified my veganism. I have re-kindled my meditation practice. I have moved away from the Red Cross (at least for now), and find myself looking at animal oriented work that I can do. I am in school to become a life coach. I will graduate this winter, and I am scared to death. I have gained an enormous amount of weight. Where I used to be extremely underweight with an eating disorder, I now have a completely opposite disorder, and am obese. My health is poor. I need to change.

As you can see, I have my work cut out for me. When I look at that lengthy list, all I can see is that I need to find myself. My posts will consist of bits of all of these things, but when it all comes down, it will be about my process of moving forward and building a life I can love. I am choosing transformation. Another thing that I plan to do is to share some of the resources I find along the way. Perhaps I can help to better the life of another who might be reading.

I am nervous and exhilarated as I release this beginning of my journey into the world. Above all I am happy, as this is my story, and it needs to be told. So now it is time for me to press the button and just let go. And in the spirit of new beginnings, I will be taking that power walk I have been putting off all morning… Welcome to my world.

Julie H. Stuart

Certified Wellness Coach & Certified Life Balance Coach

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